Setting boundaries can be scary; it can feel like you are a "bad” or “selfish” person. More realistically, it is just about standing up for yourself, which you have the right to do. I speak with many people who are doing things over the holidays that they feel they "should" do. I tell them, "you are 'should-ing' all over yourself." It's normal to have obligations you don't always want to do. However, if you're consistently putting yourself and your needs last to make everyone else happy, you might start feeling resentful, burnt out, sad, depressed, anxious, irritable, incapable, or like a disappointment.
Start setting boundaries with people in your life! This is likely to be difficult because people will not be used to your new boundaries. They may push back against you but remain firm in your resolve. You may feel guilty because you have been conditioned to think that way; however, there is absolutely no reason for you to feel bad for taking care of yourself. There is a reason why on airplanes they instruct you to put on your oxygen mask first and then your child's mask. If you're unconscious, you can't help your child. It's the same concept with self-care. If you're exhausted—physically, mentally, and emotionally—you won't be much good to anyone else either.
So say NO if you don't have time, the ability, or want to do it. Be direct, be consistent and be kind.
Here are some examples of direct statements that help set boundaries:
"Thank you for the invitation, but we are already busy on that date."
"I am unable to complete the task due to my workload currently."
"I would like more help around the home. We will be doing chores more equally."
"We have a smaller budget for the holidays this year, and I can't buy everyone gifts. Can we draw names instead?"
"I realize that in the past we have always come to your home, but I am in a relationship now, and my partner's family wants to see us also during the holidays. Here are some suggestions."
"Unfortunately, due to my current commitments, I cannot help with that project."
Set those boundaries and watch the stress begin to disappear! Happy boundary setting.
Blog written by:
Lisa Anderson
Owner of A Healing Place